hit me baby (one more time)

can you tell he’s been practising?

“i’ve got the magic stick…”

“hah! i am SO gonna beat the c*** out of…”

whoops. so much for not endorsing violence.

The Da Vuinci Code

It has been wildly and grossly reported on CNN (Celoteh-tak-tentu-pasal News Network) that there will be a GRAND, HUGE-ASS, GLITTERATI birthday party of EPIC PROPORTIONS happening in the eastern part of Singapore this coming December, akin to the recent weddings of TomKat, Datoks SK (no relations to chain of jewelry shops or almost-recalled beauty product endorsed by famous oriental star), and other small-time celebrities-tak-jadi of the Suria variety.

The Diaznadnaha investigating crew decided to dig deep into the heartlands to discover the awful truth and harsh reality behind this almost-scandalous piece of news, originated by an educator-by-day, amateur-roving-reporter-with-bad-spelling-by-night, Mie Bte Suv.

This is what they found…

1) Talks are in session with well-loved chef, Yua (not, as erroneously reported, some other chef called Naa, whoever that is), on the design of an appropriate confectionary for the celebration of one-year-old, Iqan, which does NOT include extreme amounts of sugared icing on little cakes placed in little cups, otherwise known as Cupcakes. (It is agreed upon, too, that the public should be warned of the proliferation of such sweet offerings to small children, as well as adults, as they may cause bad teeth and bad karma. Also, if you are being charged $400 for a bunch of them, you’re being s-w-i-n-d-l-e-d, honey. But that’s another newsworthy report altogether.)

2) A group of Actual Friends of the said birthday child’s parents have responded positively to the modest celebration taking place. They include a mix of relatives, as well as non-internet-savvy and internet-friendly people (or iFriends). Some of these iFriends are Real People, who have, over time, established Real Connections with one another in the Real World. These iFriends are a few amongst those who played a part in the mother’s journey during her fiercely-protected pregnancy, as well as her journey through a year of motherhood, by dispensing good wishes, advise, listening ears, and lots of love. They have met, cuddled, kissed, hugged, and shared in the joy of the growth and development of Iqan, from the moment he was born into the world. (They are also known not to launch attacks on the parents, virtually or otherwise.) The guest list is kept to a minimum and is currently undisclosed. However, it is known that Ms Mie “Know-it-all” Suv, is unfortunately not invited as she is, as she declares, merely a “casual observer”. Not that she cares, of course, as she herself will probably throw a first party for her own cute and adorable child a few months down the road, with no invited guests of course.

3) The boy’s much-adored aunt, ifzahurnah, will be presenting Iqan with a drum set. (This part of the reporting is, amazingly, correct.)

4) No expensive presents are sought after or expected from gorgeous lady in uniform, Naihar – only her precious presence is. That, money can’t buy. As it stands, ten out of eleven minutes are still owed to Naihar, for free manhandling (toddlerhandling?) of Iqan. Flight schedules are a bitch. Or so we heard.

5) Iqan’s father will not be showering him with gifts. This includes ridiculous gadgets, like iSomething or iOther. (On a side note, Apple interns should be fired for not knowing their products.) The father will be showering lots of lurve on the child, by arranging the food for the day, and at the same time, contributing to the community. (This, too, a newsworthy report for another day.)

6) The allegedly grandiose party will be held in an undisclosed open venue which costs the hosts a grand total of $60/-, including electricity and running water (and a whole lotta running-around space). The parents of the boy Iqan are, as you can tell, hopeless cheapskates, which was also the reason why they did not hold their wedding at a nice hotel. Then again, as they say, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. Right, Naihar? har har! Oh, it is also noted that no FDWs will be made to clean up. Only Banglas, for which they will be paid through the Town Council.

7) Babies will be, without a doubt, the highlight of the day. Babies, be they twins, triplets, or sextuplets, are lovely creatures, worthy of being celebrated for their mere creation and existence. All babies will be put in a circus-like ring to be duly admired on that day. Those who do not coo accordingly for an equal amount of time at each and every baby present will have their heads and reproductive systems chopped off.

Due to the impending bonus and generally generous moods, Iqan will likely enjoy his loot. The child’s parents have little control over this, except to answer to those who’ve made queries, that gifts, if any, should not endorse violence, be too bulky, or non-age-appropriate. Guests should not feel burdened – we have exclusive news that this will be the only time in many years to come where his age will be celebrated, the next one being 16. (Though by then, he’ll be too teenager to even want one by his parents, ho ho.)

9) The abovementioned bonus, plus the mother’s shrewd thriftiness, will go to paying for her only child’s first birthday. Part of her bonus will also be disbursed to all parties involved in the caregiving of Iqan, such as the grandmother and the helper. (Must declare publicly hor? Like public taxpayers’ monies liddat.)

This is a post done tongue-in-cheek style. So let’s all learn to laugh at ourselves. And if you can decipher all the anagrams of the names… you should REALLY get a life.

iBaby

i’ve heard of all kinds of machines in my short life of 11 months.

iPod. iRobot. iRiver. iDunnowhat. (i hear there are also things like iMac, iShuffle, iSwallow.)

so self-centred hor, these people with “i” things?

hmm, maybe “i” stands for “intelligent”. maybe people like being surrounded by “intelligent” things. but can people be more “intelligent” and start coming up with names that don’t start with “i”? like, i don’t know, uZap?

or better still, use “we” lah. sounds more friendly right? “we” denotes sharing. like weBrolly (ie. technologically-enhanced umbrella). or wePet (ie. mechanical domestic animal).

meanwhile, the Daddy has gotten himself another one of those “i” junk to add to his clutter of playthings.

he said it’s an iLuv.

huh?

as you can see, i was rudely awoken in the morning by this so-called intelligent gadget. but hah! weBabies are infinitely superior in our intelligence than a little box that makes a whole lotta noise. after a few suspenseful and thrilling moments later, i figured it out in no time. (see my hitchcock-like silhouette in the background? cool huh.)

iSimply hit SNOOZE.

it wasn’t so fun, so i didn’t bother with it much.

Daddy’s toe bulu made for SO much more entertainment.

and for that, i shall call him iHobbit.

loosen up my buttons

my bimbotic moment for today.

(thankfully, i still have them.)

male colleague (X) had asked me (Y) a few days ago what it was i used on my lips. lip gloss, i told him, pouting for effect.

so today over lunch, his fascination with the female aesthetic continues.

X: lip gloss has this effect…
Y: on men??
X: … no. on lips.
Y: oh. darn.

and i finally understand PCD’s “Buttons” after careful listening to it this morning in the coltmobil. dia suruh laki tu bukak baju dia rupanye, tapi laki tu selenge takmo bukak. eh? entahlah. agaknye baju dia banyak sangat butang, dia pon tak kuasa. (that was my bimbotic minah mode, btw.)

speaking of stripping, ingat eh adik-adik yang telah baca BH minggu lalu – hen party adalah haram! nak main lagu “Buttons” ajer boleh. tapi jangan panggil strippers tau. ustaz dah kasi warning. HEP!

(i wonder whose happening hen party pics they used in that spread though, ouhh…)

:O

the (tazmanian) devil wears prata

his shoo shoos are only a month old, but it’s become more Prata then Prada.

the soles are now flat and furry and stained from puddles and mud and other unidentifiable gunk, including his own saliva (from chewing on his shoo-shooed feet while bored in stroller).

“for selling your sole to the devil, we bid you adieu…”

so the Daddy decided to put his foot down and get him a proper pair of shoes. you know, the kind with rubber soles. like, FINALLY.

“huh, am i on project run(a)way?”

he said he didn’t mind spending a bit on the shoes coz the little one obviously puts it to good use. as the malays would say, “muai, you!”

as soon as they were fastened on to his feet, he was off, as quick as lightning, out of the shop faster than you can say “stop in the name of clarks!”

“ready, set, GOOOOO!!”

we had two youthful babysitters with us, but barely half and hour running after the little one around carrefour, they raised the white flag and declared themselves 5kg lighter each.

“wheeee!!”

the new shoes gave him better grip and balance, so he hardly trips, which means, OMG… he can run EVEN faster. :O

but it was well worth the Daddy’s moolah. plus it’s such a pwetty colour. well, as pwetty as boys’ footwear goes lah.

to the unty out there who was thinking of getting him a pair of clarks before we foiled her plan, he’ll grow out of his size 4.5 soon, so… you know what to do… ;p

“ha ha, i ketuk daddy! ketawakan dia!”

chasing cars

we’ve been ever so reliant on our, as Red puts it, “breastfeeding station on wheels” aka the coltmobil, that lugging the little one on public transport is something of a novelty for him.

i think the last i took the bus or train with him alone was during my much-missed maternity leave. it was easy then coz he didn’t weigh as much (or wriggle as much) as he does now, and all i had to do was feed him well before the trip and he wouldn’t so much as squeak all throughout. (remember, esah, our orchard trip? hee.) with SO MUCH to see and hear, all that hustle and bustle of the crowds and vehicles, he won’t even remember if he’s hungry or sleepy.

now that he’s too heavy and wriggly for me, i’d rather stick to my coltmobil, thankyewberymuch.

which leaves the Daddy to take him on them buses and trains to, erm, expose him to the true-blue heartlander singaporean experience of riding on public transport.

to date, his record holds from tampines to novena, and tampines to toa payoh, both times to meet me after work, with nary a glitch.

the daddy reported that the little one enjoyed himself very muchly, even so far as to terrorise other passengers in the train by calling out to them, swiping at their newspapers, and flirting with the ladies. (at least i THINK it’s the little one and not the Daddy, ha ha.)

but i guess buses and trains aren’t as exciting to him as cars. mention the word “car” and you’ll instantly hear a deep growl revving out of him.

somewhere in toa payoh…

“where is my P plate?”

“that a way, please!”

pro creation

you know what? i think i’ve visited more babies in this year alone than in my entire lifetime.

baby danial!

mister gahmen, please note that we ARE procreating okay.

maybe we should withhold the procreation thing for a bit after this and hold them wombs for ransom so mister gahmen won’t increase the gst next year. what say you?

no? still want ‘em cute babies?

ok lah. go ahead.

just don’t eat them up when the going gets tough…

beware the baby-eating monster!

trivia:

“A newborn has a developed sense of smell at birth, and within the first week of life can already distinguish the differences between the mother’s own breast milk and the breast milk of another female.”

so clever!

either that, or the other female smells REALLY bad after a day at work. :p

fit for a queen(-sized bed)

we have this guest room in our house which is rarely used for the purpose of receiving guests, coz we ever hardly have guests stay over. well, with the exception of maybe twice in the three years we’ve lived here.

in this guest room, there is this queen-sized bed, complete with a new, rarely-used queen-sized dunlopillo mattress, and a queen-sized comforter.

other than being a museum space for this bed, the room also serves as a clean-laundry-dumping area and ironing room. oh, and occassionally, a storage room.

but seeing how the little one is quickly becoming not-so-little, we’d like to find another safe haven for this queen-sized bed so that we can have a bit more space for his stuff.

so, would anyone be interested in buying a queen-sized bed, along with its queen-sized dunlopillo mattress (queen-sized comforter optional) for their own guest room?

price negotiable. transportation your own, if possible. email izadnhana@yahoo.com. while stocks last! (eh wait, only got 1 lah…)

i’m itching to do up a proper play room for the little one, you know, with a reading corner, a toy corner, a creative corner, a naughty corner… hehee.

so yah. exclusively for izadnhana’s readers ha ha.

LELONG! LELONG! lai, lai!

when aniq met…

we’re rehabilitating him to be kind to animals AND babies, see.

“sayang… sayang…”

let me tell you the name of this baby.

ready?

it’s A…neeqa! HAHA!

and ouhhhh, what a beauty lil aneeqa is. whee, another potential menantu for me!

i almost squeezed her like an orange pulp when her mummy didn’t see. i think i’m the one who needs rehabilitation.

aniq, atikah, aneeqa.

*****

i miss the time when he was all thunder thighs and chubby cheeks. now that he’s much, much more mobile and doing major workouts during his every waking minute, he’s shed even more of those baby fats we all love and cherish.

his food intake is good, or at least, he finishes up whatever’s in his bowl. he’s still on BM, though i believe, not as much as his peers who’s downing what, 200+ml by now? he only has patience for 160ml (in the bottle – probably less from direct source!) at most per feed, before he’s distracted by something or someone, and wriggles himself free from the boring work of drinking milk.

oh.. and some of you will be glad to know that we finally bought our first tin of FM the other day. a small tin of similac follow-on. which is now sitting prettily unopened, next to that big fat of also unopened tin of nan for below 6mths. (btw, anyone wants to buy this off us? give you discount!)

we’re not sure why we’re heading towards, as some would say (in jest) – “the dark side”.

he’s less than a month away from a year old, which means, i’ve almost miraculously reached my 1-year TBF target. :O

i’m almost ready to hang up those pumps, but not quite. daytime feedings should be easy to wean off coz he’s used to the bottle when i’m at work. and judging from the way he laps up EVERYTHING we give him, he probably won’t mind the taste either.

the night-time before-bed comfort suckling i don’t mind too much. it’s been easier lately since he’s learnt to unlatch and roll around the cot by himself to sleep.

you know, i think he’s become more independent, not just physically, but also emotionally since he started walking. he insists on being let down to walk instead of being carried. he even insists on letting go of our hands when we try to hold it.

and i suppose, this BF weaning process is also a kind of independence, on both his and my part.

so… when will the grand official opening of tin similac be?

*bites nails*

visiting hours

this time round, we have babies in tow, from east to north to west. they GENERALLY behaved very well (no cries or tantrums, just a lot of walking/menggelitis-ing, crawling, and drooling).

one newly-married couple’s luck was like the proverbial kentang that day. the bini dropped her newly-bought camera in the cab on the way to the first house, and after the last house, the laki dropped his wallet! thankfully, the wallet was found by a kind soul, who deposited it at jalan bahar police station. next year, jangan misplace anak sudah, ye!

it was SO LATE by the time everyone arrived, and cheesecakes and eclairs were devoured. by the time we left the last house, it was close to 1am and the babies (and some adults too) were zonked out. next year, our house last pulak lah, ye!

and we promise to handcuff the little tornado then too.